I went out with my girlfriend's last night to a place we like to jam. It's called "London Taphouse" and it's in Toronto. The music's good, my friend's say the drinks are good, and the crowd is a (more or less) young crowd. Through the hands flying, the bodies grinding, and the stilettos hitting the floor, you would have found us girls dancing close to the DJ booth. Though I didn't have one ounce of alcohol in me, I did devour some street meat at the end of the night. By that, I mean I ate a sausage that was being sold on the side of the road. Not sexual, at all.
Also at the end of the night, though, four out of seven of us left the club in a cab. Our hearts sort of poured out before, but even more so (frustrated) in the car, and then again when we got home. I'm just going to speak from my own perspective, but for a few years now I've felt disconnected. Ever since the one incident that took one of my really close friends away from herself, I feel like I've been left in the dark. Though my friend doesn't remember this incident, hearing the story from everyone but her is so fresh in my mind that I boil up inside just thinking about it.
I'm scared that she is going down the wrong path, not because she may really be, but because of what she has gone through. I don't think her mind and her heart have actually come out of the shock of what happened that night, so long ago. I think she chooses not to remember this incident. She represses it. It's an old wound that she doesn't want to rip the band aid off of. Those band aids tear hair and skin, and sometimes they even prevent the wound from actually healing. I don't think my friend has healed yet. I don't think that she loves herself because of what she goes through at home and what she has gone through as an individual. I'm afraid that she looks for anyone at all to give her the love she thinks she deserves. Truth is, she deserves more than what she is getting and I really hope that one day she sees that.
I realize this is so confusing to read, but I'm writing it down for me. Last night may not have been remembered by the sole intoxicated individual involved, but I remember it. There were promises made to be more open, to try and stop finding alcohol as the sole resource to fun, and to try and eat more during the day.
I'm sad because last night, what happened to my friend could have happened again. She was standing against the outer brick wall of the club looking smashed and hopeless. I was getting my street meat. I turned around and there were two guys standing beside my friend looking at her like she was something to eat. Like they were thinking, "She doesn't even notice me here, what else can I get away with?" If I didn't call her away, what would happen? Could this potentially happen again?
All I can say is that for her own good, I hope that it doesn't.
Though I'm not totally convinced, I have a faint hope that she will change. It's faint because I'm not totally convinced that she remembers the talk we had.
The truth is, in a few weeks we are all going back to school. We're all going to be working hard for our education. Some of us will be away while others will be close to home. We're not going to have time to go out every single weekend. I know that I will not be. The truth is, people change. But, the bigger truth is that people who need those changes to happen really quickly for their own mental and physical health, don't change when needed. They need to hit rock bottom. In my opinion, my friend has hit rock bottom. That's really mean and I feel rude saying it, but in the end rock bottom can only stay "rock" for so long. At some point, if my friend doesn't save herself, she is going to fall through whatever bottom she's currently lying on and then we will have lost her forever.
That doesn't mean that I won't love her and that I won't try to reach for her hand, but there is only so much a friend can do.