bad moods.

My ear is still killing me, I went to see a doctor and he said that my throat is infected by some virus (which is really what is causing the ear pain), and I had a good night until I got home. Tonight was my Zia's 75th birthday. I had tonnes of fun. The food was delicious, the company was fun, and even though I was and still am super tired, I managed to squeak by in high spirits. It was only until my head starting thinking too much and too fast that my good mood became shot completely.


I'm annoyed for a number of reasons.


Number one: I hate being asked "What do you mean you don't drive?" I will have to pay for my own gas and my own insurance, and eventually my own car. My father tells me that his car belongs on his driveway meaning that when I get my licence I'm going to be pulling teeth if I need the car for a night out. I hate the fact that people assume that driving equals independence. Yes, that is very true in some cases, but not in every single one. Too much independence can also lead to some forms of disrespect. For example, I've known people to take their parents' car out for the night and not return home until 3 or 4 in the morning, without even a phone call. They get away with it. Their parents complain. Nothing ever gets solved. Yet, these people still have a "one-up" on me because they drive. I am a very independent person and I'm very respectful but sometimes I feel like this is taken advantage of (not intentionally, of course).


Number two: Every time I go out, I'm worried that if I come home too late, my parents are going to be too tired for work or their other plans ahead of them the next day. My mom tells me not to worry about them because I should be able to go out and have a good time, but I ignore her on most occasions and just come home early or stay at a friend's house to avoid keeping them awake while I'm out having a good time. I'm almost twenty and my parents do trust me when I'm out, but I know for certain that my dad gets really annoyed when I'm not home. He doesn't like driving me places and sometimes makes me feel like an inconvenience. He doesn't mean to, but it does happen and has had a frequent history of happening.


The problem? Well, he doesn't like to drive me places but he promises me I'll have a hard time getting to drive his car when I do get my G2. He has also told me since day one that he's never going to pay for my driving or anything to do with it (like a car). I never will and I never have expected my parents to pay for  a car, insurance, gas, etc. But, I don't have the money to pay for all those things at the moment, so I'm taking my time. But, of course, people still see that as an independence issue. If only they really knew me...


Number three: I don't understand why every one thinks I'm lazy. I've been asked probably twice this week alone whether or not I'm working this summer. That's a legit question, I completely understand, but I'm a big believer in body language and tone having much more to do with what is being said than the actual words being pronounced. Can you just worry about yourself? Thanks.


Number four: I hate how I put every one's blame on myself. If someone is irritated at something, I always just accept that it's because of something I did. Why do I do that? I don't really know.


Number five: I'm the practice child, whether I like it or not. My mom admits to having made a lot of rush decisions based on over-exaggerated panic and misinformation when having to "discipline" me throughout my high school years. I respect that, completely. But, that doesn't mean that when my brother gets away with doing things that I got in trouble for, that I'm going to just get over it all in a second. I know I offend my mom when I talk about these things, which is why I try to avoid them, but whenever they come up and I just say "It's fine" she rolls her eyes and says "It's better to express how you feel." BUT, then I know I've upset her and we're back at square one with me and every one's blame.


I'm just rambling now and I probably sound like I'm making such a big deal out of nothing. But, I tried to talk to my mom about these things tonight. I know my dad got annoyed (I heard him complaining) that I was talking to her while he was trying to sleep so tomorrow's going to be a rough day. My mom's going to be at work, my brother's going to be at his part-time job, and if my dad's not taking care of my grandmother's garden he will certainly be complaining about how "tired" he is. Though he won't actually say that I caused his exhaustion, everything will be easy to read by taking one glance at his facial expressions throughout the day. I make my life seem so miserable when it's really not but I needed to vent. Sorry if I just wasted a few minutes of your life, ha.


I need to go to sleep.