Saturday, July 3, 2010

progress.

Goal weight: 135 lbs. Current weight: 138 lbs.


I'm pretty happy with the numbers. For the past 10 or so weeks, I've been trying to change my life around. I've been making healthy choices, splurging every once in a while (mmmm gotta love cake), exercising, staying focused, making small goals for myself every day, and finally taking time for myself. Yes, I'm three pounds away from my goal weight but there are still things I wish I could change. I guess that's selfish of me because I am very fortunate, but like any one else, I'm self-conscious about one aspect of my body. That aspect, for me, is my stomach.


I've always been heavier set. When I was growing up, I always was the "fat" girl in the group. I laugh at it sometimes, but other times thinking about how my past is full of embarrassing moments of not fitting into kids sizes when every one else did, of not knowing how it feels to wear a bathing suit without feeling self-conscious, and of walking down the street staring at every other girl and comparing myself to them, makes me a little bit emotional.


I'm never going to have a small stomach, ever. I carry my weight on my stomach and I'm thankful that it's not in my back, shoulders, neck, or thighs, but I just wish that I could have lost the past seven pounds in the one place that has been driving me insane my entire life. I guess this is where the challenge comes in, though. It's going to take a lot of control, strength training, toning, and the like to take me where I want to be. I don't want to have insane abs or anything... I'd just like to lose that extra chub.


I know that the people I know and love, who are potentially reading this, are thinking "but you look so good." Yeah, I am content with how my arms are and how my legs have become. But, like any one, my physical insecurity has yet to fade away and until that point I'm going to subconsciously feel like I'm not good enough. That's utterly insane because I'm always the one telling others not to be self-conscious about silly things like that, but truth is, my own medicine doesn't always work on me.


I've come a long way. During my elementary school years, I weighed an unhealthy amount and got down to 135 lbs for grade nine. Over the span of high school and university, I gained thirty pounds, lost twenty, and have been carrying the excess ten for a little while. I'm three pounds away from saying "I did it!" However, my new goal for the end of the summer is to reduce my stomach fat in any way I can.


I wish I wasn't such a critic of myself, but I am. I realize I sound like a hypocrite because there is no accurate definition of beauty, and you all know that I'm an activist of that exact phrase, but I am my own worst enemy. 


I guess I just don't feel as happy as I should be. Maybe that's selfish, but it's how I feel. I don't mean to burden you (or whoever) with this depressing "Mahhhh, I'm not skinny" post but it's not even about being skinny. It's about looking in the mirror and being happy with that one insecurity. It's about looking back at old pictures and saying "Wow, I've changed for the better." I have, so far, I just want to keep trying. I don't want reaching 135 lbs to hinder any further progress. 

2 comments:

Georgia @ simplydirtyprettythings said...

dont you dare feel guilty for wanting to feel better in your skin. You are going about the weight loss in a healthy sensible manner and you know that. Do what ever you need to do, to feel better about yourself. Everyone is entitled to self confidence.

well done on almost reaching your goal. You will be there soon.

Erica said...

Congrats on coming this far! We all have our own fears and insecurities, especially when it comes to our bodies, but I think it's brave of you to be so open and honest about it on your blog. Keep it up and just know that you've got people cheering you on!