Sunday, June 13, 2010

another Sunday gone too fast, but what's a weekend gone without venting?

Another weekend has come and gone and I wish I could say I am in an amazing mood with great spirits right now, but I'm not. It's not that I didn't have any exciting plans this weekend or that I had nothing to look forward to, because I certainly did, I'm just disappointed.

I'm disappointed because my dad and I have been fighting and it's gotten to the point where I'm drained and have no motivation. Last year, when I worked three jobs during the summer, my dad was worried about my health and how I had no time for myself, so I took his advice and took a leave of absence from one of those jobs for this summer. That, however, isn't good enough for him. He told me that my "eight week holiday must be nice" and that I shouldn't have asked him to go to the bank the other day because I "had all week to do that" (you know, since I do nothing). He said a lot of other things too like "putting pictures up in your room is more important than doing real productive things," that I do things in bits and pieces and never finish anything, and that even though I have been trying really hard not to spend my money foolishly, that I have barely any money saved up. Did he forget that I worked all throughout the school year, mostly volunteering my time as an Events Assistant? Did he forget that I paid him $5,000.00 that went towards my tuition and residence fees? Did he forget that my mom and him claimed my tuition payments to benefit our household, meaning I didn't get one cent back from the government from my income taxes? Did he forget that for the last few weeks I've spent majority of my days in a hospital, doing laundry, making sure I'm home for dinner so I can cook for him and my brother, planning my days and evenings around how he is feeling (because I know he can't stand it when I try and have a good time), and that I work so hard in school and am still going to be working two jobs this summer? I guess so.

I'm hurt because before he said goodnight to me tonight he looked at me and said, "What are you doing tomorrow?" and I said I didn't know. Instead of giving me a suggestion or saying something positive he laughed at me and said "Domani, sto andando lavorare." That means, "Tomorrow, I'm going to work." When I get busy with work and no one is home to cook him dinner or do his laundry, I hope he regrets his words. He won't, though, because my dad doesn't regret anything.

I've been pretty upset. I cried all yesterday like a baby (it doesn't help that I'm expecting something this week and with that comes all this emotion).

I'm also disappointed because I got a stupid letter in the mail from the government of Canada asking me to prove my tuition payments. So, yesterday between fighting and crying, my dad took me to go see our accountant. I walked in with puffy, red, all-cried-out eyes and the accountant certainly judged me hardcore. 

He asked if I was working (which really sounded like "Oh, you must have so much time on your hands if you could take a moment out of your Saturday to come meet with me... you spoiled child") and I explained that I'm doing some part-time work for my school at the moment and that I start my full time job (that I am so pumped to start) on July 5. He then wore an unimpressed look on his face. Then he proceeded to ask me what I was studying. I said "Journalism" to avoid having a twenty minute conversation about how upon graduating I receive a diploma in Journalism from the Humber Institute of Advanced Learning and a degree in Media Studies from the University of Guelph. I didn't explain how I am hoping to get my Masters Degree in Communications after I finish my BAA, either, because I just wanted to leave.

He responded "You're going to be in the middle of all of these wars?" No. I said, "I want to do more investigative journalism." He answered, "That doesn't put food on the table..." The rest was like a scene from a movie. I walked back to the car in the pouring rain with my dad  as more tears came from my eyes. Way to crush my dreams. Way to make my day ten times worse.

Lastly, I'm disappointed because I still can't lose any weight. I guess it's just a matter of feeling good on the inside and out, and I always tell myself that, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a certain way that sometimes I forget what really matters (like loving how I feel). I ate very well today but still, I felt disgusting. I suppose it's because Mother Nature is giving me a present in a few days, but I just hate this feeling. I hate that I always sit in the same spot, losing a few pounds one week and working hard to keep them off, but in the end, having my plan backfire and gaining those pounds back the next week. 

Last summer, I did a 1300 calorie diet and cleanse. I lost somewhere between 15 and 20 pounds, AND kept majority of it off. I think I want to do that again. I don't think I eat that much more than 1700 calories a day but I think if I have something on paper guiding me, I'll feel better. At this point, I just want to be happy with how I look. I just want to be able to sit on the beach when I go camping with my friends, in my bikini, without feeling self-conscious about how many rolls are on my stomach. I'm sure I'll get there some day and once camp starts I'll be active for eight hours every single day, practicing and making up dance routines, going swimming, running around, doing the things camp counsellors do, etc. 

With all of that said and done, I had such a fun weekend (when the negative things weren't constantly consuming my mind). I had a fun time with friends and family. There are always bad times that come with the good. I know this for a fact and I know that everything will be okay, I just really needed to vent.

I also thought about my driving situation and I think I'm going to take my mom up on the offer of getting extra lessons for parking. I want to be taught how to properly reverse park so I can also feel confident during my G2 test. If parking wasn't on the exam, I'd pass with flying colours, but unfortunately life isn't a bowl of cherries. If all goes according to plan, and I get those lessons booked this week, my goal is to go for my G2 at the end of August. Camp will be over, school will be starting shortly, and if I can get my G2 then I'll feel a lot better about life. I may even be able to take my mom's car to school some days, if she isn't working of course, but if that doesn't happen it's not a bother to me. I'll just be happy if I can finally say "Sure, I'll drive tonight." 

Tomorrow is Monday; a new day, a new week, a new chance, and (oh) the Italy game is on.


Tee said...

naww, i hope this week is better for you. BTW, i love your tumblr :D

~Abby~ said...

btw i love your new header. it's perfect for your blog!

~Abby~ said...

sorry i haven't been commenting. i've been on vacation.
i hope this new week will be better, and don't be so hard on yourself about your weight. feeling good about yourself is really important, so don't lose that.