Sunday, May 9, 2010

intimates.

I haven't uploaded any photos from last night to my computer, yet, but I found this photo on my friend Cass's blog:



From left to right: Alex, Kris, Cass, Cara, Vic, and me!
Excuse our poses, it was our cleavage shot, haha! 


I hope you have all been enjoying your night and your Mother's Day. Mine ended in a bittersweet way. My brother and my Dad haven't spoken in over two weeks because of a DUMB argument but tonight I had it and I snapped on them. I told my Dad that the hole my brother put in the wall (the legit hole he made when they first started fighting) will be fixed. Not talking to his son, however, would take a larger toll on this family than the expenses to fix the wall. They're talking again. I won't give myself that much credit though, my Mom got so angry that they weren't speaking today (of all days) and whipped the situation back into place.


I'm really sensitive about this stuff and naturally, I started getting really upset about everything that has ever bothered me. My Dad asked what was wrong and I said that I just have been feeling as though I'm judged about everything but that this was a different argument that I didn't feel like starting. See, I've been holding in a lot about my grandmother and I how I can't bring Nick anywhere. I mean, my Mom was aware of how I felt but my Dad was not informed. My Dad asked me to come downstairs to talk. I did. I spilled the beans about everything. I said that I feel like a huge chapter of my life is missing and that I can't bring someone I care about to meet the people I've grown up around because I'm scared of letting them down. I'm also scared of the secret I've been forced to keep.


My Dad assured me that whenever I was ready, that my grandmother wouldn't get upset. She'd be happy for me. He said a lot more than that but my head's a little all over the place at the moment (long day, not enough sleep, you know the drill). Anyways, I learned a lot tonight (to sum it all up). I'm still a little bit sketched out because I know my grandmother likes to talk, but what little 70-year-old Italian lady, doesn't? I just don't want her to talk bad about me. I'm not sure if I'm mentally prepared to risk how my grandmother thinks about me, but I know that I respect her so much and I wouldn't want to let her down in any way. When the time is right and I've mentally prepared myself, I think it will be okay. I mean, I hope it will.


I guess I've just heard my grandmother say so many things about other people, even her own close family members, that just wondering what she'd think of me when she finds out I've been dating someone for over three years, even though I'm nowhere near finished school, makes me shiver. 


I made a lot of progress today, I think. I told my Dad something I've been feeling for a long time and he didn't yell or get irritated. He got really uncomfortable at times and actually managed to say the word "boyfriend" (if you know my Dad, talking about boys and this whole shebang was never on his To-Do list), but he's come a long way. Well, so have I.


Let's take it as she comes.

1 comment:

T E H R E N A N A I I S said...

ack!!! im so proud of you dolly! such a big step.. from what you write about the bf he seems like a great guy and your grandma will love him!

your the little leviana that could.. just remember i think i can i think i can i think i can! you can!!! i know you can!