Friday, February 26, 2010

force a smile in the midst of trial.

Sometimes I get sad because I feel really alone even though I have so much. I have a great family, the best of friends, a boy who loves me. I am getting a good education, I am putting my name out there one step at a time, and I think I am academically in a very good place.

Why is it, then, that I've been so emotional lately? I always tell myself that life is great and that I should just be happy with what God has given me. This week, I haven't been happy with everything. I've just wanted more from myself. More high grades. More weight lost. More happiness. More everything.

I believe that there is a path structured out for each and every one of us. The path starts and ends as it should but all the forks in between are up to us. Those forks make us who we are when we reach the end of our journey, whenever and wherever that may be.

Sometimes all the gray areas in the middle make it hard to see where we want to be. I just don't want to come to terms with all that gray. It reminds of me of rainy days with nothing to do but suffocate inside and cry. That's what I do sometimes, I cry like a baby. I cry because I feel like though I have all these great people and things in my life, my brain doesn't think as it should. I'm just all over the place and I'm really hard to understand.

That's the easiest way I can explain what I feel like right now. Today hasn't even been a bad day, I just feel like a big old pile of gray nothingness with no purpose and no drive.

For now, this is where I stand.

I'm going to distract my unnecessary loneliness by reading about subcultures--groups of people who develop different attitudes to mainstream messages and values and find belonging within their subcultures as they counter the mainstream. I wish what I did really had that much of an impact...

But then I realize that I have this blog and lately my follower count has increased and more people have been commenting on my posts. Though I'm basically spilling the beans absolutely everywhere to many people I've never really had the chance to get to know somewhere else (besides this blog world), that makes me feel something. It makes me feel like my therapeutic ranting about mishaps shape not only myself, but others too. That makes me happy.

Now I feel better.

Oh the power of writing...

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