Monday, May 28, 2012

i don't even know who I used to be .

Woah, I just read some old posts on here and scared myself. Who was that girl who used to write about exercising and weight loss like it was her job? Who was that girl who thought the only part of herself that mattered was the part of herself that people saw and pretended to know?

Okay, we all know that girl was me...and still is me some days...but this time, it's not me every day.

Every time I come back to this blog, I start a post with how sorry I am for not writing more. I'm mostly sorry because I used to keep up this thing more than anything. I loved this blog. I communicated with my followers, got to know some followers very personally and used this blog as a form of writing to cope.

The reason I'm back here today is because I was writing a blog post about writing to cope for Eating Disorders of York Region (EDOYR), a grassroots, registered non-profit organization that provides early intervention and support for people who may need it as well as for families and friends. I'm working for EDOYR now as their Events and Communications Coordinator. Fancy, huh?

I love my job. I get to do what I've always dreamed of doing: Tell stories about things not a lot of people know about, spread eating disorder awareness, help to fight against misconceptions of body image, manage the organization's blog, Twitter, and Facebook AND I even get to plan events.

Our next event is Rock for Charity 2.0, a benefit concert where all proceeds will go to EDOYR. I suggested the idea as a friend of the organization (way before I started working) when I was writing for the Richmond Hill Liberal. I came across a press release sent by my now executive director about EDOYR's new "Friend-Raising" campaign that encourages people in the community to volunteer and help the organization raise money so they can continue to keep their doors open. I thought, "Hey, I've always wanted to plan events, I love spreading eating disorder/body image awareness and I love music...Why not suggest a benefit concert?' The first concert in the series was a hit. We raised over $2,800 the first time around and now, we're hoping to raise even more. The second concert in the series is on June 21 at the El Mocambo in Toronto.

When I was writing my blog post about writing to cope, I wrote about how therapeutic it is to go back and re-read old journal entries. Then I thought, why not do that to my blog? I have to be honest and say that I could only read to a certain point because I'm shocked at how under confident and alone I used to be, even though I had so much. I guess what they say is true: "All your friends seem like enemies when you're broken down and empty." By "they" I mean City and Colour. Dallas Green remains and will always be my world, thus why I refer to him and the band as "they."

A lot has happened since my last post. I feel like I say that all the time, but by "a lot," I seriously mean a whole lot.

I'm not doing my Masters in Journalism in the fall anymore. Yeah, I just said that. Instead, I'm going to Humber College's Post-Grad Event Management program. It's a year long and I'm quite possibly moving out in the fall. The commute from my current house (where I live with my parents and brother) is four hours a day (two hours there, two hours back) and I am not going to do that everyday while also juggling six to eight courses, a placement and a (cross your fingers with me) hopeful part-time job somewhere so I'm not completely broke. I told my mom that I need a place. She then told my dad. He said he didn't know what he wanted me to do. Too late, though, because I've been searching for somewhere to live. I've already made up my mind.

It's not that I don't want to be at home, it's just that in the past little bit I've found exactly what I want. And a huge part of what I want is my happiness. I love my family and would do anything for them, but I need to know what it's like to live on my own and fully make my own decisions. Living on residence gave me a taste of that in my first and second years of university, but it sure as hell didn't give me the full picture.

I've realized where I want to work: I want to do communications and event management for an organization like the Canadian Cancer Society or Sick Kids Foundation. I've realized that not only am I a lot different from a lot of the people I've been friends with for years, but that I am also more than okay with that. I've realized that I am not the size of my jeans or the colour of my hair. Sure, I still work out daily and try to eat as healthy as I can...but I'm doing that this time around for my health. And, I would be lying if I said I don't have desserts on a weekly basis. Yes, the word "desserts" is a plural one.

I've also become a lot more confident in the past while than I have ever been in my entire life. About a year ago, my former boss full out asked me why I wasn't confident. It made me want to a) hide because I thought no one knew that but me, b) cry because other people were seeing that I wasn't confident and c) try and figure out the answer to that question myself. And so, I stopped my freak out and decided to focus on option c.

I wasn't confident because there was so much negativity in my life. A lot of it came from me, but a lot of it also came from the people around me (I'm not going to name names, but I just wasn't happy with some people). And so, I started anew. I let nature take its course and end things where they needed to be ended...And then I felt this huge relief. I seemed to be a on a roll. I seemed to finally be figuring out why I wasn't confident.

I also wasn't coping with my lack of self-confidence very well, either. Instead of just writing down my thoughts or even booking an appointment with a counselor, I ate away my worries, screamed at everyone and compared myself to all the people around me, which--even though I still do sometimes--I try to avoid like the plague.

I was putting my happiness on the line and for what? Because I felt I had to change (my appearance more than anything else) to be confident in myself? And for what reason? To please the people around me? Hell no. I had to be confident by and for myself. That is what I proceeded to do.

I'm almost there. I'd say if this journey was 100km in length, I'm about 70km in. High five to that.

Anyways, I am writing this at work and really shouldn't be. So, I'm going to go. I don't know if I'll be back soon. I'm not making promises I'm not sure I can keep.

Hope all is well with you!

1 comment:

Erica said...

Congrats! It sounds like you're headed in the right path :)

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