april 2, 2005: rest in peace.

Six years ago today I went to bed teary eyed, praying he wouldn't leave just yet, feeling as though I hadn't been good enough to him, and wishing I could stop time. Six years ago today my grandfather died of pneumonia and cancer. 


The night before he passed, I went to my very first high school party, not knowing how little time my grandfather had to live. I was aware he wasn't well, but I took for granted that he could go at any time. When I learned he would soon depart, I rushed to his home and tried to mouth the word "goodbye." I could barely see him through the tears spilling from my eyes, lying there helpless in bed. I brushed my lips up against his cheek and heard my dad saying, "Follow the light, papa."


Gone he was the next day. I awoke still praying his soul hadn't escaped, but the phone rang in the early morning providing my family and I with that dreadful call. 


To this day, I am not successfully over his death. I just went to the cemetery to visit my grandfather's grave and tears still started to leak.


If he were still on this earth, a lot of things would be different. But, it is because he is not on this earth that I have some faith. Some people may think I'm crazy, but I still  feel his presence around me when I find myself in a difficult place. Be it a dream, the smell of flowers, or not feeling alone, I know he is here with me.


Rest in peace. You will always be loved.