falling short.

I always talk about how much of a horrible critic I am of myself and I thought for a brief second last week that my criticism stopped. But, hey, it didn't.


Last night I started making up problems. Do you ever do this? There I was, sitting on the carpet in my room drinking tea and reading articles for class tomorrow when I started thinking that I'd been rude to some of my friends and my family. I started thinking that I'm so self-centred and that all I care about is my schoolwork, my future, and my health. Me. Me. Me. It got to the point where I messaged my room mate from last year and said "Oh, sorry if I'm being rude. My mind is racing a mile a minute and I feel like I'm being mean to everyone I talk to."


With that being said, I also feel like I'm in this huge hurricane of problems. But that's the thing - I'm just there. Things are thrusting their way into my face and they are either saying "LISTEN TO ME" or "FINISH ME" and I'm just doing things without even thinking. I'm on task. I'm motivated. But, I feel as though I'm not really thinking nor putting as much effort as I could in everything. Yet, even as I type that nervously, I keep thinking "You're crazy. You put so much effort into everything you do."


I think I'm just confused.


Confused? Falling short? I don't know. All I do know is that I got to school today at 8:30am and I'm here until 9:00pm, tonight. I was supposed to go to pub with some girlfriends after work tonight, but yet another thing made its way into the picture so now I can't go.


Forgive me for this poorly thought out post.
I had to vent.