Saturday, October 16, 2010

keep holding on?

Another day is close to its end. 

I can't believe I'm saying that and it's before 7:00pm on a Saturday night. My stress hasn't really disintegrated within the past few days. My time's been spent preparing for my midterms this week, even though it feels as though nothing is sinking in my brain, working, and trying to take time for myself. Except, every time I try and take some time to myself, I start feeling anxiety. This morning, it got to the point where I was in my room, about to study for my law exam, choking back tears. And for what reason? I tell myself it's my course-load. Everyone else tells me it's because I work too much and I don't take enough breaks.

I agree with the breaks part. But, the working too much part I can't really process. I spoke to my boss (who's awesome in every way) this week and he completely understood the stress I was under and agreed to lessen my hours for this week and next. In a meeting we had yesterday, my boss suggested that everyone look over their schedules and find out what days we might want to take off from now until the end of the semester. I did that the second I got home and I felt better for a split second. That second came to a quick end after I sent an e-mail to my boss explaining that I might be needing two more four hour shifts off (from now until December). I started telling myself that I was giving up, that I wasn't keeping any of my commitments, and that I am basically a failure because I can't even manage my life as a third year Media Studies student.

After this perplexity, I went out to see "the Social Network" with my boyfriend. The beginning of the night was going well, until I started thinking about the so-called problems I have with time and everything I need to get done within it. Then when I got home, I started texting my boyfriend about what I was feeling and hoping that he'd say something comforting like "Don't worry, you'll be okay. You're so smart." But, instead, he basically said I need to rethink everything I've taken onto my plate.

It pissed me off.

I guess he has every right to say that because he's just being honest. Yet, you know when you just want one person to be on the same page as you? And, when that one person isn't on the same page as you, your world starts fumbling? Well that was me last night at 1am.

I passed out shortly after and woke up finding myself feeling a little bit better until I realized it was 7:30am and I had forgotten to turn off my alarm. I sucked it up and got out of bed. Eventually I started studying.

That leads me to where I am right now: happy that I've managed to re-write all of my law notes one more time and read them over twice. I know it doesn't seem like much but it took me the entire day. I've made cue cards and everything! Yes, there are tonnes of cue cards but I was proud of them. Until, I voiced that I had so many cue cards to review. The response I received went something like, "You're the one that made them. Don't complain." 

I'm not really much of a complainer, even though my recent blog posts have been sheer signals of a complainer in the making. But, when I hear the odd "You did this to yourself" advice, or feel it in any way, I get a little emotional.

I know life isn't supposed to be easy. I CLEARLY experience that exact fact almost every day of my life. I think we all do. So, why on earth do people have to be so damn sweet when I reach out to them for some comfort? I wish I knew.

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