Wednesday, May 26, 2010

close.

I spent three hours and fifteen minutes in the boiling sun today. My legs got so much colour, so did my back, my arms, my chest, and my shoulders. My face sort of looked Cuban but I think it was just because I was hot at the time. However, you'd think my stomach would have gotten drastically darker... It didn't. There's a faint darkness that took over my stomach but it's still really white. 


I've had a good day today, I mean I got to tan, I went on a walk this morning, and I ate very healthy, but I'm worried about my grandmother. I haven't heard anything from anyone which most likely means that everything is okay. However, I just watched the ending of "My Sister's Keeper" and balled like a baby so my thoughts are running wild... 


I know things will be fine, it's just the waiting process that drives me up the wall. All I keep thinking of is when my grandfather was on his death bed and my Dad called me over to say goodbye to him. I looked at him lying there, lifeless except for a subtle beating of his heart, and wished I could take the pain away. I couldn't even finish the word "goodbye" before tears started spilling down my face (like they are right now). Then, my Dad said, "Follow the light, Papa." I ran out of the room in hysteric panting and crying.


I saw the worried look on my father's face that he wore the night my grandfather died last night at the hospital. I don't want this to happen again. Not now. Not ever. 


Death is a sensitive topic for me. My grandmother often says that she'd just rather die than experience any pain. The thought of watching my Dad's last parent trickle away would destroy me. I hold every close family member who has passed away so tightly. My Zia stays close to my heart in a necklace and my grandfather stays close to my veins in a bracelet that he and my grandmother got me one Christmas. I doubt my grandmother is going to pass any time soon, and I hope to goodness that I'm right, but her words from last night at the hospital are echoing in my head. They're not stopping.


"Why do things get so hard when we're close to the end?"

2 comments:

cris (cristal) said...

wow hun many things thth are going on. hope ur ok. and i'll be praying for you and ur family.

-cris

dont forget tht Gods always there for you.

~Abby~ said...

Agh Leviana, My Sister's Keeper is not a ver good movie to watch while you're grandmother's in that situation!!! ;)
Just keep praying and like Cris said, God's always there for you.
And I gave you an award:

http://thesoapqueen.blogspot.com/2010/05/ahh-award.html

And thanks for following me, I have 100 followers. :)