Friday, March 26, 2010

bittersweet moment.

Moments ago my dad and I got into a fight about the stupidest thing, ever. I suggested to make asparagus with our salmon and salad dinner while he was on the phone, solely by showing him a bag of asparagus. He gave me a disgusted look, like the thought of eating asparagus would kill him. So, I muffled "never mind" and put the asparagus away. He got off the phone and started complaining about how I was distracting him on the telephone. I said, "I didn't even speak, I just showed you a bag of asparagus and you gave me a disgusted look."

Then he yelled. He yelled because he claims to have not made any look and then decided to accuse me of "fabricating" things in my mind. His words-"like [I] always do."I started laughing because I just tend to do that when he gets mad at me for stupid things and I began making a salad. He got irritated that I started laughing, screamed at me to make the salmon by myself, and told me to stop complaining.

I don't recall ever complaining.
I don't know how to make salmon.
I was just laughing at his accusation.

I told him this and also that I solely suggested to eat asparagus because all of us, including my brother, are hungry. He then went on a rampage and yelled at me proclaiming that my brother should be making the salad instead of "watching TV" (even though he was and still is writing an essay) because he wouldn't complain like me. I said I didn't complain and started laughing, again. I don't think he liked that but it's the only way I can deal with him sometimes. I just laugh because then he has nothing to use against me. If I laugh, I tell myself that I'm okay. I believe it. So does he.

I continued making the salad again, with a chuckle in my throat, and he slammed down the faucet and screamed "I'LL MAKE THE SALAD. GO. GET OUT OF HERE. GO PLAY A GAME ON YOUR LAPTOP." 

I went upstairs crying because they only reason I ever come home is to spend time with my family every weekend. I get scared for next year when I will be sleeping at home every single night because my dad is going to get a rude awakening-I'm not the 17-year-old girl who only started university in 2008. I'm 19, turning 20 in the fall, and I've come a long way.

Eventually, I went back downstairs to set the table. I have a good heart, I suppose. We didn't speak though. He was in the kitchen being productive and I was setting the table ignoring his every move. Have I ever mentioned how small our kitchen is? The small size makes fights like these that much more intense...There is no sense of personal space in our kitchen-whatsoever.

Still, I feel unappreciated when I can't even suggest something. My mom's at work which means my dad will deny the entire story when she gets home later tonight. My brother's going out tonight. It's just me, my dad, and the house.

We always used to fight during my teens but since I've moved away to residence, we don't butt heads as often. I spent a lot of nights crying because of stupid fights my dad and I have gotten into--making me feel worthless and unnecessary. I hate having the odd night where these feelings and memories come rushing back to me because not only am I still emotional, but I've also lost all fear of standing up to my father. He knows that I'm not scared of him now and he likes to test me. Sometimes I put him in his place, but on nights like tonight where dinner isn't ready after he comes home from work, when he has to drive my brother to a party so he can have fun, when he walks into a house where my brother is watching TV and I am on the computer playing a game on, he will say anything to cause a problem. He will say anything to start a fight and he'll make me crazy before midnight.

I know this fight could have been ten times worse, but I actually didn't do anything at all. That factor just makes me explode. I just want my mom to hurry up and come home because then I'll have someone to back me up. That's not saying that my brother won't back me up--because he will--but he is still scared of standing up to my dad. I'm not, but that doesn't stop my dad from fighting back.

I am so wrapped up in this annoying, immature, pointless, stupid situation that I almost forgot to write some good news: I got the STAMP/POP position :) I'm so happy about that. 

1 comment:

Barry said...

Hey Leviana,

First of all congrats on the STAMP/POP position, that's awesome!!!

Parents. There are so many terms to describe them. Issues. Clueless. Cruel. Oh emm gee. WTF.

What is it with fathers being so irritating and condescending towards their daughters? Why does it seem that so many dads talk down to their daughters when it's obvious they're growing up into women? (Obvious perhaps to everyone but them). I know too many girls who are going through this and it angers me.

Your dad would be pissed at me for saying this because I really don't know you, but I'm glad you stand up to him and rebel when you don't agree. Some parents seem to feel a sense of entitlement, like because they raised you they feel they can talk to you however they wish. Um yeah, I don't think so. My mom's like that, she feels she's allowed to get on our case for whatever but if we say anything about her, well that's just hurtful. *sigh*

I like that you stand up to your dad Leviana. I think if you stand up to him you'll stand up to any man and not let them push you around. I think that's great.