Friday, January 29, 2010

my surface is so tough i don't think the blade will dig in.

There was a point in my life where all I did was compare myself to other people. How their bum looked in jeans, how their boobs looked in their extra small t-shirts, how their stomachs were so flat, how their arms had no flab, how their cheek bones were so distinct, etc.

I never had an eating disorder, but when I was heavier in my younger years I sometimes wished I had one. That's so depressing and I can't believe I'm writing that down for everyone to see, but it's true. I was never the skinny girl in the crowd and I always felt like the fat friend. 

Not to mention, I didn't get any attention from the male species until I was in high school and at an average weight.

In between grade 8 and 9 I went on a no-carb diet and lost 25 lbs. At that point in my life, people started to notice me. I was still awkward and did silly things, but I felt like I was given the time of day because I lost weight. 

There was this one boy in elementary school who would always call me fat. That hurt, a lot. It was true (I admit I was on the heavier side). I went home and cried almost every single time I was called fat, overweight, or obese. So, when I finally made the change in my body weight, I didn't do it for myself. I did it for the other people who I wanted to notice me. It worked.

But, since that point I have started doing things for my body and for my health for my self! I go to yoga three times a week and to zumba once a week for my personal fitness not for what the skinny girls with no meat on their bones think of me. I eat pasta. I like bread. I love fruit and I'd rather eat carrot sticks than a bowl of chips (that's not to say that I don't love chips, though). Why? Because I realized that I can achieve anything I want for myself and by myself without the extra push from the concern I had when other people judged me.

It is for this reason that I have come to the conclusion that I will do a cutlure jamming project on girls and their image. I want to juxtapose eating disorders, low self esteem, depression, and lack of confidence. I had to experience most of these things, and I hated it. I hated looking in the mirror and thinking "If I just wore my hair like she did yesterday, maybe he'll notice me." I hated coming home and writing sad stories in my diary about how the boy with the bald head called me fat and made me cry. 

For one thing, girls are very sensative about their body image. For another, they shouldn't be because each girl was given their body to love, to grow into, to change at their own will and for their own will, and to dress with extensions of their skin. However, girls often don't think this way. We use our bodies as a sheild between who we think we are and who we think others think we should be.

1 comment:

Hi, I'm Ashlee. said...

That being said, you are absolutely beautiful in every way. ♥ :)